Holy Bleeping Bleep! Its Been A Year Already?

We knew it was coming....  Emilee has been on suicide watch because of it....  There was no stopping it.... Time marches on as they say.... Anna Grace turned One today!

As I drove home last night it really stuck me, my mind was wondering I starting to think about all of the things that have changed in my life in the last year. I thought I knew what was coming; HAHAHAHAHA! I had talked to as many people with kids as I could. I studied. I Googled. I did everything I could to prepare for what was coming.  All efforts to prepare proved futile.

Over the past couple of days I have reviewed my posts from the pregnancy and over the 1st year.  My writing was much funnier back when Emilee was pregnant because I actually thought I knew what I was in for.  I thought I had the "what was I going to do" part under control.  I even thought I would have some control. I was so naive.  I wish I could go back to talk to myself the day I found out Emilee was pregnant and give myself the skinny.  The talk would probably go something like this.....RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Brazil is a non-extradition country!

Most of what I remember about the past year has been good.  Not all of it, but most of it.  Those people, and you know who you are, that swear that every moment of child raising is pure bliss are full of poop.  By the same token, my life did not end like some predicted.  It changed in a very sudden and awe inspiring way. The past year has certainly seen me grow closer to God. I have not grown in a religious way, but in a truly spiritual way.  I understand that I cannot protect Anna Grace from everything, but if it is God's will, he can.  I will not try to understand his will, just pray that he gives me enough understanding to keep myself content.  I know that I will waver in my relationship with the Father, we all do, but I know I will always be mindful to put my daughter in his hands; not mine.

I also seem to have completely forgotten about the first three months of no sleep.  I know that they happened;I just can't remember anything about the nights.  We have pictures of the days; daytime when everything seemed easier and happier. The only things I remember about nights are the things I wrote on my blog.  I wish I had done a better job (a job at all) of journaling during this year.  For my friends out there that read this; I hope you keep a journal when you go through this. I am pretty sure I would never remember wanting to leave her on the porch in the middle of a crying jag if it had not been written down.

The bad was minor in retrospect though.  We never suffered through colic, RSV, or other severe illness.  The only really bad event was when I thought I had lopped her finger off, and she has recovered without even a scar.  Crying stops, rashes clear, and tantrums die.  What's left is an absolutely pure and unadulterated look into what life should be; the pursuit of anything new.

The good has been amazing!  It had been a long time since I had experienced unfiltered joy.  We all think that when we fall in love, find the $20 bill in our jacket, or taste the right single malt that we are experiencing joy.  I have had a great time on vacations, dates, my wedding, Vegas with Matt, etc., but when my daughter said "Dada" for the first time my heart swelled.  When I watched her rollover, crawl, and walk for the first time I was unconditionally happy.  I did not have a single thought about anything other than that moment.  How often do we get that in life?  I have been brought to a tear on happiness over the last year more that the first 39 years of my life combined.  Maybe I am just turning into a pansy.

Emilee and I have evolved.  We have a much different look into our lives and our relationship.  I am not going to lie; the transition is a bitch.  We were so used to paying attention to only ourselves and losing all of that attention stings.  I don't care how selfless you are, when you go from being number one in someone's life to number 47 it sucks.  I t especially sucks when you become number 47 in your own self.  Fortunately we get much more out of Anna Grace than we have lost.  One smile and you can recover from a bad day.

But sometimes, when the tantrums start, I still consider selling her to the arab traders!


Keep Smiling,

Rob