Happy Birthday Mom!

November 25th is Gayle Anne's birthday. I guess I should call her Mom for this ode to all the great things she has meant to me. I am very grateful for her giving birth to me and not terminating my life at any point in the following 3 decades. She always wanted the best for me and wanted me to succeed. I hope she sees that I have. I am happy, fortunate, and about to start a family of my own. I love her very much and will never be able to express how thankful I am for the lessons she taught me or let me learn on my own.

I had planned on being very sappy and serious for my tribute to her, but then I read something that Lynn had posted. Since I have no problem straight-out plagiarizing from Lynn (please don't sue) I am going to post "What My Mother Taught Me". I hope you guys enjoy this....

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION....

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all the spinach and olives are gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you


I Love You Mom! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


Stay Safe,

Rob

Sorry Emilee, I Couldn't Resist

SO Emilee is pretty sure the baby is laying spread eagle in her belly. At least she says that's the way it feels after she eats. Apparently the increase in Emilee's appetite has not been met with a warm welcome by little Umfufu. All is quiet until Em is polishing off that last bite of Molten Chocolate Lava Cake and then the acrobatics begin. I will say it has made it more interesting for me. I get to feel everything that is going on now. You can even see her belly jump when Anna Grace kicks! Pretty Cool!

And in the "I know I am going to hell for this" category; it's fun to watch Emilee drop stuff. I know I am probably a bad person, but it is very entertaining watching her try to pick things up off of the ground. It is funny because she often forgets that she can't just bend straight over to pick it up and then she has to correct herself and maneuver around to get whatever she dropped. In the process of doing this she looses sight of the object and then has to grope for it. Like I said, I am probably going to hell.

Speaking of going to hell.....

• How does anyone sink to the level of this Phillip Garrido asshole? He's the guy that kidnapped the 11 year old girl and then made her his sex slave for 18 years. Why is this guy allowed to live long enough to stand trial?
• What kind of people stand and watch as a 15 year old girl gets gang-raped for two hours? What kind of soulless world are we living in, and did it go to hell overnight? They were afraid of being SNITCHES! WTF was going on in the raising of these kids?
  
• And what about the slew of teachers having sex with students, priests molesting children, and the dozens of busts for child pornography every week?

How did we get here? I have theories, but that is for another discussion. What I want to know is how to protect my child. How do you know who the bad guys are? Don't they often look like us? Can't they be your best friend or good neighbor? How do you keep these people away from your children? And why is it not legal to feed them into a wood chipper if they get caught? Of course a wood chipper may be too light a sentence for these individuals.

Back onto happy thoughts now. We hit 26 weeks today which on some calendars is the last week of the 2nd trimester. A quick question, why is it this way on some calendars? Why is there not agreement across the board? If anyone has an answer for me I would love to hear it. Anyway, the 26 week old fetus development update is brought to us by BabyCenter.com.

The network of nerves in your baby's ears is better developed and more sensitive than before. She may now be able to hear both your voice and your partner's as you chat with each other. She's inhaling and exhaling small amounts of amniotic fluid, which is essential for the development of her lungs. These so-called breathing movements are also good practice for when she's born and takes that first gulp of air. And she's continuing to put on baby fat. She now weighs about a pound and two-thirds and measures 14 inches (an English hothouse cucumber) from head to heel.

I want to thank everyone for their well wishes and prayers. Very soon we will be able to talk about her as a baby! I look forward to her meeting you all.


Stay Safe,

Rob

A Weekend With Friends

Most of us end up in a place where we look back at different points in our lives and wonder how we got to where we are now. Whether it's how we ended up in the career we are in, how we ended up in the good/bad financial situation we are in, or how we ended up blessed or stuck with the friends we have. I know that I have considered myself blessed to have the friends I do. I have a great core of people that I have known for a long time, and we have put each other through the paces. I think it has been because we have been through so much with each other that makes us such good friends.

First of all, let me expand on the concept of friends. "Friend" is one of the most overused words in the English language. Most people use the word to simply mean anyone they have met. I hear "My friend so and so did this", or "my friends and I went out bar hopping last night". But how many of these "friends" would truly be there if you needed them to be. There is an old joke that refers to what a friend is:

A buddy is someone who will come and bail you out of jail.
A friend is sitting there beside you trying to figure out how you both got caught.

I think the friend is the one who told you that you were insane to attempt what you were about to do and still comes down to drag your ass out of the pokey. Then, of course, they proceed to give you grief for the rest of your life because they told you so. I consider myself lucky to have some of that type of people in my life.

I had a rare weekend where I got to see most of that group. I had lunch with Trevor on Friday, helped Justin with his basement floor on Saturday morning, and got to hang out with the "family" on Saturday night. The family I talk about is Matt, Jill, Kristi, and Shane. We don't get to see each other as a group very often, and it was fun. We even got Shane to talk about something other than work for a while. I hope they all had as good of a time as I did.

I bring all of this up because I think about my daughter to be and her future. I wonder if she will be able to develop the strong friendships that I have been able to develop. Even when I have pushed and pushed my friends are there for me. Even when I have felt like there was no one to turn to they were there. I hope they realize they can lean on me too. I know they will never understand how much I appreciate them and what they mean to me. I hope Anna Grace is able to find friends like that.

I have often been told that my group is not the norm. Most people look at our friendships and have no way of relating to them at all. When you look at it I guess I can see why. I have been close to the same group of people for close to 20 years now. How many friendships can most people say they have had for that long? Emilee does not understand it. She appreciates it, but she does not really understand it. Is it a man mentality vs. a woman mentality? I don't know any women that have the same kind of friendships. Will Anna Grace be lucky enough to have the kind of friends I do? I really hope so.

I want to say thanks for those that have always been there for me, even when we really did not like each other. So Matt, Shane, and Trevor thank you. Kris and Chuck no length of time between contacts will ever be long enough to make the next time uncomfortable. And Topper, Robin, and Justin welcome to the family. Finally I want to give an extra special thanks to Kristi, Jill, and Emilee. I know what a special hell you three go through dealing with the "boys", and I want you to know I love all of you.

Think about the people in your life. I know mine is better because of the few I call a friend. If you feel the same way, let them know.

Stay Safe,

Rob

Why Is The Crib So Damn Heavy?

Howdy Ho neighbors and welcome to another edition of "Rob is amazed at the things we discover on the route to having a baby". In today's edition we will talk about cribs, strollers, hand-me-downs, and whatever else strikes my fancy. Sometimes I totally understand the reasoning for some things, and at other times I am completely baffled. For instance...how has Snuffleupagus survived his heroin habit for 40 years?

40 years! That is how long Sesame Street has been on TV. I fondly remember the letters and numbers that were being taught to me. We never saw it coming either! How many of us like to sit down and actually learn something that might be useful. Sure we learn skills to make our life easier, but I challenge any of you to pick up a book on something you have zero interest in and learn anything. If you do, some of you can thank Bert, Ernie, Cookie Monster, and the Count for helping to teach you to read and learn your numbers. My favorites were The Count and Cookie Monster. I still run around singing "C Is For Cookie", and yelling "two, two bats ah ah ah." I hope you get those references, they sound better than they type. By the way, this blog is brought to you by the numbers 2, 5, and 0.

As in why does a crib have to weigh 250 POUNDS?!? When the guys from JC Penny delivered it I thought I was going to watch one of them stroke out in front of me. Why are the delivery guys always a sandwich shy of a buck fifty? You would think they would send some folks that had some bulk. Anyway, I got confused about the crib. The max a kid is going to weigh that lives in the crib is what 40 pounds? So why does the crib have to weigh so much? I personally think that when I open the box that there will be a note attached to a lead bar. The note will read "The Chinese white slavers pay us by the pound, sorry for your hernia".

Speaking of sweatshops, who makes all of these baby clothes. First of all I would like to thank Amy, Robin, Marty, and anyone else I so grievously forgot to list for the second hand clothes. I know that they are not cheap and we have saved hundreds of dollars through the generosity of others. However, we now have a full, and I mean FULL, closet of 0-3 months clothing. We have enough to put her in a different outfit everyday and then be six months old. Who cranks out all of these clothes? By the way, we need second hand bullion if you have any of that laying around.

Do you know what else I would want laying around? Me, on my nice new couch! But I do not have a nice new couch. Do you want to know why I do not have a nice new couch? Good, I'll tell you. I would have to sell one or both of my kidneys to afford the thing. We have been furniture shopping since before we put an offer on the house in Dawsonville. We were looking for bedroom furniture because we had bought a new mattress. Have any of you been furniture shopping lately? I finally decided I was going to take the back seats out of the Jeep and use those for living room furniture. At least I can have those paid off in a couple of years! Any suggestions as to where to go for decent and affordable furniture are welcome.

I am too depressed to go into the newest Taiwanese stroller torture. Just know that I think they have Emilee's computer IP and are sending subliminal messages through the screen.

Lastly, an update. Anna Grace will be 25 weeks this Thursday! 25 weeks happens to be my mental alarm date for a safe delivery. I know this seems WAY early to most of you and I agree with you. But my niece Ginny was born at 25 weeks and other than having the mother as a birth defect (sorry Kelly, too easy) she has been wonderful. I look at her as inspiration of what a life and spirit can do if we fight hard enough. I know by her example that after Thursday the sky is the limit for little Shaniquia Umfufu. Or Anna Grace for that matter.

Stay Safe,

Rob

WOW! All In The Family

This blog is going to be one of the easiest I have written. Sometimes a subject just drops into your lap and you can't help but jump all over it. Sometimes the subject is nice and proper. Sometimes the subject is down and dirty. Sometimes the subject is proper for polite conversation and sometimes it is not. You can decide for yourself if this is polite or not.

I do not know how many people are familiar with TV Land on cable. It plays a ton of old shows. The kind of shows that growing up we would find in reruns on late night TV on one of the UHF channels. If you do not know what UHF channels are I feel for you. You have not had a true adolescent TV viewing experience until you have tried to watch Elvira at 1:30 in the morning and you get excited because you get 30 seconds of non-rolling screen. It was a science to get the rabbit ears in just the right place. Emilee looks so bored as I explain this.

Anyway, I am flipping through the channels and see that "All In The Family" is on. I was intrigued, so I quit surfing and started watching. WOW! Is all I can say. Some of you were probably avid followers of this show when it was on. One of the neat things about cable is that you can see when the show originally aired. So Mom and 'Noid, I am sure that you are familiar with this show because the one I was watching aired in 1971. I was 6 months old when this particular episode aired, Emilee wasn't even thought about, and we were landing on the moon for the 3rd time. The show blew me away!

How many of you have ever watched this show? It would NEVER air today. We have been so over-sensitized to racial comedy and profiling. It is easy to say we have become "PC", but watch one episode of this show and you will see how sanitized we have become. Today's shows are laced with violence and sexuality. I see what they replaced. I can see how controversial that show must have been. I think it would be incredible if TV allowed itself to be as honest with itself today as it was back then. Why do we have to try to dictate policy and beliefs through the shows we watch? Why can't we admit we have biases.

In one 30 minute episode Archie (the main character) takes shots at 6 different ethnic groups. SIX! We go after any group other than white males today and there are protests and threats. He attacked Blacks, the religious fanatics, people of Polish decent, the Chinese, liberals, and women. It was amazing. Watching a show that was true to the beliefs of the times was very enlightening. What show today truly shows the beliefs of the every man? That is what "All In The Family" was trying to represent; the opinion of the acting majority.

The answer to that question is; none I have seen. We are so busy trying to be "all-inclusive" that we lose the connection with who we really are. Who of us can truly say that we have ZERO biases? I bet if you are true to yourself and answer this question honestly you will find that nobody can answer "ME" to that question. We all get frustrated by one group or another. We don't generally like ourselves so how can we like everybody else? So what is my point here you ask.

My point is that instead of dealing with how we really think and feel about each other we have a media culture that simply tries to convert the masses into one train of thought. Now when the Marines do it, they call it brainwashing. When any conservative, and I do not mean wing nuts like Hannity and Limbaugh, tries to make a point about the reality of the interactions between different groups they get labeled as a racist or a bigot. Are they? Or are they simply expressing the views that we as Americans are made to feel ashamed of? Why can't we be honest with each other?

Because people do not want the truth, they want to float through life thinking we can all get along.... If we just ignore the obvious.

Stay Safe,

Rob

Happy Anniversary To Me & E

We all have those dates that we men are supposed to remember under penalty of death or at least no nookie for a while. Forget your wife's birthday and you can forget about intimacy for the foreseeable future. For you father's out there, miss mother's day and you are in "heap big trouble." But the worst may be forgetting your anniversary. I mean you were at the ceremony in body if not spirit after all. Fortunately I did NOT forget mine. As a matter of fact this is even two days early!

For those of you that have known me for a long time (i.e. Before Emilee) you know that I was rarely in a relationship long enough to worry about having to remember any dates. As a rule, you did not date seriously between Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day so you missed most of the pain of getting the wrong gift. Even birthdays were easy. Dinner and flowers, or maybe a weekend trip and you were in the clear. But it is not so easy now. I ask myself if I have to come up with something bigger and better than the last one. I mean eventually you have to buy a small island or something to keep up. And who can keep up with running an island. You have to worry about the natives and tourists and fleecing the tourists. Who has time for all of that? Isn't it just easy to stay simple and follow the Hallmark Anniversary schedule?

OK so I just looked it up, and I don't think Em is going to go for it. You see, we will have been married two years this Tuesday. November 3rd, 2007 was the day. Some of you were there. We had quite possibly the shortest wedding on record. We also had quite possibly the shortest preacher on record. For those of you that were not there, the photographer had to take pictures with me and Emilee on our knees so you could see all three of us in the picture. We had what I thought was good BBQ. We had great weather and a great backdrop. And most importantly we had great guests. I think we all had a good time.

Oh, I forgot to mention that the two year mark calls for.......Cotton. Yes the magic of cotton. Am I supposed to buy a new set of sheets? A new flannel? I got it, a new three pack of briefs! I know Em will never go for the whole cotton thing because of one simple fact; I have never seen cotton sparkle. I don't even think I have seen it shine. Unless you count the jeans that really fat woman was wearing at the outlet mall yesterday. But I am pretty sure that anything stretched that tight gives off a sheen. I just hope she.....never mind.

So I remembered the day, but I have no idea what to get Emilee for the end of our "honeymoon" period. We just went on a cruise, but that was for Steve and Kristen's wedding so I do not know if that counts. I bought her the ring she wanted for our anniversary back in May when we were in Alaska, but I know better than to be empty handed. This year we have the joy of a baby coming. DO I get something for the baby? DO I need to buy for both of them? I need some quick advice, so please keep sending in those cards and letters!

I know what I want to celebrate Tuesday; the fact that we have been through more in our first two years of marriage, and survived, than most people do today. We have been through cancer, death, and infertility and come out looking good and smelling like a rose. I thank God everyday for the blessings he has bestowed upon us. I also want to thank my friends and family for being there as I have needed them, especially when we have not seen eye to eye on things. I hope they know I will be them for them when they need the same strength from me.

Emilee, I love you very much. I know that we have too much going on right now to get away or to spend lavishly on each other. But, I want you to know that the past two years have been the happiest of my life and have only you to thank for that! A&F.

Stay Safe,

Rob